Uncertainty

It was 1988, and we just found out “we” were pregnant. We’d been married for 6 years and had a four-year-old son. The timing just didn’t seem ideal…

I was in the middle of a “God, what are you doing in my life?” season. I was agitated, frustrated, filled with self-doubt, afraid of making a wrong decision, feeling pressed from every side. You know, one of those times everything looks okay outwardly but inwardly you feel like you’re sinking?

I had been in my job for a few years – counseling, pastoring, training lay people to counsel, learning the ropes in ministry… I was getting acclimated with bizarre as the standard fare.

I was fresh out of seminary where we were taught to “integrate” psychology and theology. I had 3 counselees who were satanic ritual abuse victims, and several others in serious condition. They weren’t much in need of what I had written about integration, but were desperate for some relief and healing.

There was some progress in people’s lives, which was very gratifying, but at the same time I had this nagging sense something wasn’t right. It wasn’t what I was doing that was wrong, it was that God was preparing me for new orders (little did I know).

I learned that God uses the air of uncertainty to draw us into a place of readiness to hear His call. It is amazing how disarray precedes order.

Most of the time it has meant staying put and reordering us internally.

But this time was different…

With the mounting internal struggle, June and I began to pray daily for God to show us His will, “Was I missing something?” I felt like the young eaglet being taught to fly by the mother bringing back thorns to the nest.

So we started the process of exploring other options for a ministry position. Then June got pregnant. If we were to change positions we would lose our insurance and surely God wouldn’t want us to do something that could put us in a place of risk or cost us financially.?

But as we stepped forward everything came together. A new position opened miraculously. We were able to transition rather smoothly.

We got on the “We have no insurance baby plan” – a flat rate of $1,700 at Rose Hospital for prenatal care and birth ($10 a diaper at the hospital not included).

We were freaked out but excited. Everything went surprisingly well and we had a new beautiful blond-haired blue-eyed boy (recessive gene thing).

Our small group leadership team shocked us by collecting a special offering that paid for the birth of our son. Wow. At every turn God provided.

After 3 years we were launched again back into the area of Aurora we had left. Everything that hadn’t made sense about the timing and our struggles now made sense.

Sometimes we’ve navigated uncertainty pretty well. Other times, we’ve done more freaking out… But God has always been faithful. All three of our sons were born in a time of uncertainty, and coincided with great blessing. And every season of uncertainty has brought a strengthening of what matters most.

We don’t plan on having any more babies, but we do plan on trusting the Lord with all our heart, not leaning on our own understanding, but in all our ways acknowledging Him, knowing He WILL direct our paths.

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